Chad Thundercliff

Chad Thundercliff played rugby until, in his words, "my face became too important to risk". He now rates every match on the players' jawlines rather than the score.

England have never lost a match in his reports. They have, at most, been "out-mogged on the day". He is furious about it every Saturday.

He believes penalties are a woke invention, refers to every opponent as "a recessive chin", and once interviewed a goalpost for six minutes because "it stood up for itself".