EXPOSED: grey squirrels came from America in 1876. Brock demands a points-based system for rodents

I'll say what they won't.

The facts they buried for 150 years

In 1876 a Victorian banker came home from a business trip to America with a pair of grey squirrels and let them go in a park in Cheshire. Nobody asked the reds. Nobody asked me. I wasn't born, but that's not the point.

Today the red squirrel is gone from almost all of southern England. And where was the mainstream media? Covering the Victorians. Typical.

"They've been here a century and a half and not one of them has filled in a form." — Brock Granite

My points-based system for rodents

I have drawn it up. On a clipboard. Points for:

1. Holding a nut correctly (Brock to demonstrate).
2. Tufty ears, minimum length to be confirmed.
3. KNOWING THE WORDS TO JERUSALEM. (Brock banged the desk here. It's always the third.)
4. Not burying a nut and forgetting where you put it. Fair's fair.

No grey squirrel has yet scored a point. Neither, a producer noted, has any red squirrel, or Brock.

The grey squirrel responds

BB News approached a grey squirrel on a bench in a park for comment. It ate an acorn, looked at the camera for some time, and left.

In my day, a squirrel was a squirrel. And a face was a FACE.